Is Homeland Security
in Bed with Dell?

Okay, things are now officially out of hand.

I just spent half an hour on the phone with Yasmin, from the Dell Computer Department of National Security, Anti-Terrorism and Money Laundering Task Force.

Well, that's sure as hell what it felt like, anyway.

The tone of the phonecall was unfriendly and accusatory -- and I have chosen those two adjectives very carefully, though my residual outrage is thinking of others.

impoverishedNOOBS.com is foremost a business Web site, so, any corporate excoriations as I am now about to deliver upon Dell Computer, must be logical and instructive, not emotional and vindictive.

It absolutely breaks my heart to see it happen, Mike...

I guess the fact it was a laptop had a lot to do with it.

Christ, it's the 50's all over again in so many ways.

We're still terrified of technology and we still a make a monster of it in our most popular films. There' some truth to the claim that early-cusp movies about the Web -- Sandra Bullock's "The Net" and "Hackers" had a meaningful influence on both the adoption and sentiment of adoption.

I know you're supposed to be not running Dell anymore, but I'm gonna presume you were a party to the conversation.

Did the PPT from Washington go anything like this:
THEM:

1. "These are difficult times for America."

2. "To keep safe from the threat of hideous terrorism, we have to be smarter and faster-acting and more committed to making the tough decisions than ever before."

3. "Laptops are munitions, our most recent data shows."

4. "The Internet is our most vulnerable border."

* [insert 11 slides of 9/11 reminiscences]

5. "We're going to have to work together on this, Mike."

I know you live in Texas and all, but Jesus Christ! I'm gonna give ya the benefit of the doubt, on a personal level, Mike. We've never met. I have never observed the operation of Dell Computer Corp. fom within, nor -- perhaps MOST importantly -- have I ever before yesterday purchased a Dell computer.

Assigning the culpability, the responsibility, the accountability -- that is none of my concern.

I am only interested in asking why Dell Computer Corp. came with such aggressive suspicion, such rudeness and such an absence of GRATITUDE into my day?

This is probably a good point to explain exactly what happened.

I used my epassporte card to buy a $900 laptop. Period.

Most people in this business already know what an epassporte card is, but for those who may not, they have an excellent Web site:

The very first thing out of Yasmin's mouth was "Are you an American?"

I swear to God.

She asked "Is this Jack Mardack?" I said "Yes." then she said "Are you an American?"

Now, in all fairness to Yasmin (and to Dell), she seemed to be of recent East Indian emigration. So, it is possible that her accent may have contributed to what was, in all likeilhood, merely a misunderstanding.

In fact, now that I'm thinking harder upon the whole thing, perhaps it was all just in my head.

I mean, it's not so unusual for a merchant to call a customer if something should be amiss or even just odd with the transaction? Is it? That sort of thing happens all the time, no? It's perfectly common and normal. And, in virtually every case you ever hear about, whatever inconvenience was caused to the customer is reasonable against the feelings of security and confidence engendered by such moments of contact with the Powers that Protect Us as I enjoyed today.

To be over (or, even just near) your credit limit is as red a flag as anyone ever wants to get -- a proverbial wake-up call, I'd even say. We owe a debt of gratitude to corporate citizens with as much duty, patriotism and gumpshun as Dell obviously feels. Thank you, Mike!

But why Dell would make such a call, when there was nothing wrong, when you had already collected your money? Well, now that is... noteworthy. It seemed very important to Yasmin to ascertain that the issuing bank was in the U.S.

Weird.

Are you calling everybody who buys a Dell for U.S. delivery with a "foreign" credit card?

Must be a lot of people.

Oh, one last thing, Mike -- please apologize to Yasmin for me. I kinda shouted "WTF!" at one point, sorta "lost it", if you will.

But in the end it all worked out.

My wife will have her laptop, and America is surely safer tonight for Dell having verified my citizenship and generally enough approved of Jack Mardack to deem him worthy to buy a fine Dell laptop. [Tips hat]

Geez: I wonder what "special software" comes installed on a flagged laptop from http://dell.gov these days -- lol.

2HP